The Pit of Pat

Yeah, that’s right. I’m “blogging” about my favourite new “television program”, because I’m a “loser” with nothing better to “do”. Mostly it’s so I can say “Everybody shut up, I’m watching my pictures!” with impunity, but since no one listens to me anyway it’s kind of moot. I’ve been a fan of reality television ever since…actually I loathe reality TV. I liken it to slobbering masses in a Roman colosseum screaming for blood, which wouldn’t be so bad if it involved monotheists and giant felines. Instead it involves illiterate, self-obsessed and unlikable sub-mentals running through the hurdles set forth by bored television executives with about as much originality and excitement-inducing ability as a half-empty bucket of grey paint.

With the exception of the collection of human waste known as Temptation Island I had avoided tuning into reality TV, until my weakness for Tyra bank’s hypnotic presence and a bizarre interest in the fashion world roped me into Cycle 1 of America’s Next Top Model. Watching it off and on I was surprised at how vapid some of the models weren’t, and in the end the girl I wanted to win somehow managed to pull it off. A few more cycles under my belt, and I’m admittedly hooked on the show, with the last season being a definite highlight. True, Joanie didn’t win, which was a crime against some form of humanity, but Jade kept us in stitches and the whole season we were teased with the promise of Canada’s Next Top Model, premiering tonight.

When I first saw the top ten, chosen from coast to coast, who would fight for the title of the best in Canada, I was beyond disheartened. BC and Toronto suburbs, with some Alberta thrown in. Um, did they exclude Quebec? Apparently not, because I asked. No one from the Atlantic provinces either, which is almost as unbelievable. I guess it means I won’t be cheering for anybody based on where they’re from, which makes me pretty impartial. We’ll see how it goes.

Triciamail, eh? I guess it’s going to be pretty much ANTM templated, but that’s okay - the formula works. None of these girls are drop dead gorgeous, but that’s part of the appeal as far as I’m concerned. Pulling up in a blingmobile, read gas guzzling SUV Jay Manuel shows up and lets us know that he grew up in Toronto, which is kinda cool trivia for weirdos like me. All the girls went nuts with starshock, which is kinda funny, since Jay’s pretty down to earth. So Jay gets them to take off the makeup and takes some polaroids, which is always fun. Brandi has so much hair, its kind of unnerving. And Andrea from Whitby, Ontario has never done anything like this before - and it shows. Sylvie from Alberta is a little too redneck ghettoberta to be taken seriously, but she might be able to be clean herself up. As the girls race to find a great outfit out of a couple racks of expensive designer wear, it’s interesting to see how dissimilar their perceptions of model life are. Poor Jay, he’s so beyond the novices, these Canadian girls must appeal like unschooled hillbillies to him. He puts on a brave face though, and he’s pretty likable, but unsurprisingly he was far from impressed.

Heather wins the first challenge, with a great outfit and a decentish walk, despite her hands kind of in her pockets. She picks fellow Ontarian and oddball Andrea to share her prize - first dibs on their room in the new house. At the first commercial break, Mom says Dawn’s the only really attractive one of the group, and that if that’s the best they could find in Canada we’re in pretty rough shape.

The house, well it screams BC to me, but it may not be - its pretty nice, eh? Tricia makes an entrance, in a plane, to the secluded home. She’s not as insane as Tyra, but she’s been in the industry a long time and she’s definitely got an agreeable personality. I think Sylvie is a male stoner, which is kinda scary. Sisi is going to mess people’s shit up, which is the typical outroverted Asian model thing to do, always proving interesting to watch. Honestly, none of these girls look like models, and even Dawn just looks like a pretty girl. By the end of the Cycle these ladies will have gone through a pretty intense transformation I’m sure, as is usually the case. Whether over the next few weeks they’ll look any less like maple syrup guzzling, Timbit munching hosers remains to be seen.

Kelly Streit is a pretty cool cat, secretly scouting the girls Big Brother style, and his favourite is Heather from Blenheim, Ontario. Way to alienate the rest of the group, but the difference is that there’s no voting anyone off, so just because everyone else might be jealous, doesn’t mean she’s going to disappear. She does have a very interesting beauty, reminds me a bit of Doctor Who’s Rose Tyler. The first real photoshoot is all about the Iconic Women of Rock. Sweet as! There are a couple of “fat chicks” according to the wardrobe guy, which is pretty scary. Alberta boy somehow managed to pull off a decent Blondie, while after finding her zone, Heather managed to pull off angry.

Alanna from Kelowna is pretty cute, she was actually #11 and the tenth girl couldn’t make it. Lucky girl. Tenika’s got tude, super personality but it isn’t as weird as Jade. Natalie seems pretty Degrassi High hot, somehow. Andrea is just nuts, her sunglasses obsession is going to get her in trouble. She needs some confidence, but yeah she’s going to be the awkward sweetheart. Dawn actually emotes some Anna Paquin which is pretty hot, until she starts talking about her dead Mom. Poor thing, she’s still working on her grief. Sisi has no clue who Yoko Ono is…unfortunately she’s not only bizarre, but awkward to the extreme. I think her days are numbered. Who will be eliminated? Andrea doesn’t really want to be a model, she just wants to prove she’s not ugly - kinda weird.

One of the girls looked like a bulldog according to Jay, which made me lol. If Dawn gets eliminated right away, that really sucks because she just needs some time. Andrea freaks me out by looking terrifying most of the time but somehow taking decent shots. JEANNE BEKER!!!!!! Most of the reason I wanted to ANTM to come to Canada, since she is the best of the best and the word in Canadian fashion reporting. Run down - Natalie looks a bit like Dave Foley in drag as a french prosititute. Could do worse. Brandi looks like Ricky Gervais in his new romantic days, but Jay ate her for breakfast due to her 80s retro bullshit. Heather took bad pictures, but she’s got potential. Tineka got busted for being overly topless, which is pretty funny - since it’s not like models should be modest, but still she’s confidence city - at least in talk. Alanna expressionless, Ylenia looks French, but boring. Sylvie, aka Alberta skater boy seems too ’so what?’ fucking tomboy, it’s not even funny. Dawn - so nervous but exceptionally cute. She also screams very well. Sisi looked hi-lariously bad in her shots. So much so they made a video of it. Yow. So who’s going home? Tricia’s deadpan imitation of Tyra during the boot out was shit. Natalie is too fat, but Sylvie’s headin’ home to Alberta to smoke some more dope and ‘hang out’. Kinda shitty though, cause she took a great picture - too bad she seems to think its okay to dress like a slob and still be a model.

So far, well the biggest disappointment of the show has been host Tricia - she needs to pump it up and make Canada’s Next Top Model her own. Jay basically made the show watchable from a host perspective, and he was only on to give the pilot some oomph. I still don’t think these are the best Canada can muster, but you can expect another write-up from he who lives vicariously through the lives of bee-you-ti-ful lay-dies same time next week.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 31st, 2006 at 2:09 pm and is filed under Archived. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.